Bye bye 2007 ....

Almost time to say good bye to 2007. Looking back at the resolution that I had set this year (of course in my mind....hehe) I done mostly all of them, a happy thing to say. Finished paying up my lappie and got myself the apple care, just that haven't got the skin for my keyboard yet, learnt swimming the first step to diving, got my first DSLR in my life - D80, and most of all travelled to Siem Reap and see the magnificent Angkor Wat which is also the 2nd World Wonders that I have keep logged into my traveller's log - the 1st one is The Great Wall.....
hmm...now let's think what's my 2008 resolution? time to put down all the past and move forward, really move forward this time...Firstly, planning for a UK holiday working visa trip next year and hopefully it will be as fruitful as it could be as to write a memorable chapter into my life. Next what, maybe to find more activities partner? to hone my skills of photography? to start diving? to find the someone? haaa...maybe I'm too greedy to have all the best thing happen in 2008. All in all, hopefully all of us have a wonderful and fruitful 2008 to come....

Way Back Into Love ..

Love this song and rhythm very much, the lyrics is meaningful too which speaks my inner voice for the moment....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce_DxJFdgM4
I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need ‘em again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

Tracking Back.....

a mockup traffic jam scene




tracking back the past on what's happening to my life since august....work, bad experience, work, birthday at work, making impossible possible. Right after I have a long shoot since Aug, I got myself into 3 jobs since then. 1st one out of the company that I used to be for the past year, a job for the biggest gas supplier in Malaysia, Petronas. It's a commercial about their various services. Not a good experience for me for the 1st time - 1st time working without a 3rd party cost, 1st time shooting rain scene with rain truck, 1st time running 5 petrol station within 3 days. Things changes last minute and leaving no room for reaction. As a perfectionist all the time, I'm starting to gave up and trying to let go gradually. Starting to ask myself to take it easy and follow the flow, anyhow it's just another job. However, got a chance to see BMW 5 series and also VW beatles car....unfortunately haven't got a chance to ride on the VW.





KL Skyline from Empire Tower



Next one is a tourism job and chicken essence...both from the same company which drags for a month and a half. Same thing, still prefer on the system that I used to be with. Finding it hard to familiarize myself with the no system system. Praying everyday wishing days past faster so that it won't torture me for so long. And finally it's over.....In between of this, had been having a sad birthday, with no one beside me celebrating for me for the 1st time after all these years. Luckily I had to prepare for the pre-pro meeting and got my time occupied. Anyhow, after I finished these 2 tiring jobs, I treated myself with my 'dream' camera - Nikon D80. Joined a photography club too to learn and explore more on photography, hopefully to get my skills brush up with it....

those were the days....

...when there's a shoulder for me to cry on...
...when there's someone to talk to when I'm bored...
...when there's someone to turn to when I'm in trouble...
...when there's someone to tell me where to go whenever I'm lost.....
....when there's someone to scold at me when I'm wrong.....
....when there's someone to pacify me when I'm sad....
....when there's someone to calm me down when I'm angry....
....those were the days......

R.I.P.

Worst thing that had gotten on me....

been superb busy since last shoot on end june. First with an ogawa shoot, prepping only for 6 days then shoot. I was asked to produce this super rush job with 2 boards while still waiting for the confirmation of maybank to get going. Good thing is once I agreed to take on the job, the maybank job got confirmed and the bad thing is I have to split myself into 2. Back to the ogawa shoot, the whole day we are shooting in toilet, lift and staircase (didn't manage to capture the toilet scene sorry)......a long long shoot until 5am. Luckily the director is someone who's easy to work with that make the whole shoot run quite smoothly.

Next was the big big "M" shoot where we have 80 talents to coordinate, tens of locations to round around and 200 shot to cover, all within 8 days. A super crazy shoot where the crews got only 5-6 hours of sleep a day. As for production side, 2 weeks before the shoot we got to stay up late to coordinate the talents and locations. The talents are really 'superstar' like biscuit, 'now you see now you don't'. They can tell you they can do it in a second, and in the next minute they will say they can't do it already. So we have to do all over again whenever there is changes as we need to do some mix matching. This "M" shoot really got lots of problem,camera problem, generator problems, talents didn't show up... maybe because of the bad luck that had been following that drag down the whole team. Sorry guys, my bad.


That's not the worst thing yet. Right after the 9th day shoot, I ran into an accident on my way back home, because of fallen asleep while driving. And best thing is I knock onto a 'new car' Nissan Latio when the car is only out for a month....Gosh !!!......Will that be the last bad luck that I will be getting?? Hopefully that's the one......I do not want any worst anymore....give me a break will U....

Another loooong shoot....

Setting up of 70s era
Setting up for 80s era 'gift shop'
Voila 'gift shop' done
Blocking the roads in K.Selangor
Break during the shoot capturing the shoplots hallway and the shadow of the trees
Just breaking the record of staying awake for 50 hours within 2 and a half day with only 2 hours break of sleep in between. The mind can't really think of anyhting else when it came to the 26th hour. A freaking stressful job with the talents only confirmed 4 hours before the wardrobe fit. What else can you do when you have some 'fickle' minded people in the team. And the rest of the team have to do double work just because of that. The first shoot that I feel so boring even before the shoot even start. A shoot that we came to a stage that we are begging people to get the work done, just because of the strict budget that do not tally... Though shooting in Kuala Selangor, but doesn't have a chance to have a taste of the seafood there as we have to rush for 2nd locatioin after that.

In other hand, Sigh.......thought that i can have a chance to change my path with a 'chance' which appear to me 2 weeks ago. However, things are never smooth for me. Unforseen changes and make everything back to square one again. I still have to be 'patient'.Hopefully it will be like the sayings, 'blessing in disguise?' hope so......

'M' Shoot

A shoot that had been dragging for a week just to wait for the pack to be ready. And hence, there I was doing nothing for the whole week on the job. Luckily there was another 'dreadful' job, a dinner video for a business club which potray the 50 years economy of Malaysia. Within a week had been goign through old newspaper looking for articles. Back to the M shoot, a dreadful experience with the people working in it. Sigh......when can i stop from having this kind of conflict with myself whether to continue this for the sake of money or should i just leave for the sake of satisfaction......

feelings....

had been listening to songs from a fren's brother which let me think a lot of my past...following on the lyrics with the songs made me tears when i thought of the past esepcially some of the lyrics potray what had been happening in my past....

听说你喜欢我 － 张禛宏

Hey... 外面正下著小雨
请。。请让我为你遮雨
夜。。夜灯下慢慢地步行
回。。陪伴着你回到家去
手放在肩膀 这感觉好温暖
忽然凝视我 没想到你会问我。。。
听说。。听说你喜欢我
真相听你亲口说
不要猜 不要等 不要困惑
希望你现在告诉我
不回答那我就当你默认
我只要你对我忠诚
如果这不是谣言
那请你现在拥抱我
请说一声你喜欢我
我一直都藏在脑里
不。。不就是闷在心里
遗憾不只为什么没勇气
对你说一声我喜欢你
捉着你的手 身体来近一点
嘴靠在耳边 鼓起勇气说一篇。。
你说一点也没错 不知你是如何想我
不要迟 不要等 不要犹豫
希望你现在告诉我
＊不管是晴天或是雨天
你给我的勇气是无限
让我们一起走这路程
让我陪伴在你身边
请说一声你喜欢我
听说。。听说你喜欢我
真想听你亲口说
不要猜 不要等 不要困惑
希望你现在告诉我（＊）

Out from my tortoise shell....

2 years of not sitting down together for a meal. I was kinda forced to sit down this time after a few times of invitation. Met up with my ex for a lunch today. In fact, I told a fren that I really did not wish to have this moment at all as I had been feeling guilty all these while and had been avoiding him since then. Another reason for avoiding is I can forsee I will not have any more topic of conversation with him if we met. I involved another couple which had also known my ex since uni time. Didn't have much conversation with him, instead it's my couple fren who did all the talking with him. He hasn't change much, and I'm glad that i climb out of the tortoise shell this time. After this, I'm more certain that I hadn't made the wrong decision, I'm more certain that I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him.
Heard a shocking news two days ago. Someone I consider as a good superior and a good husband with happy family told me he just divorced. This is a real shock as
I always thought that he's having a happy life with good wife and kids and he had been working hard all day. Keep me thinking that what's wrong with this field. Does that mean that people in this field doesn't deserve a good family life? Why is all the colleague around me are leading to a divorce life. Seems like I'm force to make a choice on whether to lead a happy family or a career lonely life......

Muchaus Restaurant (Jalan Jati, Bkt Bintang)

Give mom a treat in a German Restaurant to celebrate Mother's Day and also her birthday on the coming Tuesday. Took me some time to find the restaurant as it's hidden among the bungalos opposite RHB Securities. A friend recommend this place to me as she finds the food are good and price are reasonable. Hence, go there to try my luck and to 'test' the food. The restaurant are all glassed up with curtain of lights at the entrance. When we stepped in, the feeling of the interior is so home like with nice deisgn of furniture and interior.
Mom ordered a set dinner with garlic prawn as starter, roast beef as main course and youghurt panacotta as dessert, while I ordered myself a stuffed cheese chicken.


After the main course, the waiter served us the dessert, but they served the wrong one, green tea tiramisu instead. Only realized it after I have a munch, and it's so soft and smooth. Hence, din bother to tell them they served wrongly. However to our surprise, after we finished the tiramisu, they served us another dessert, which is suppose to be the right one. According to the waiter, they realized they served wrongly, but they wanted us to try the yoghurt panacotta as it was recommended by them earlier. Hence we got a free dessert for that mistake....how lucky....and yes! the youghurt panacotta is super delicious. Youghurt is mixed with gelatin and eating it is like eating 'agar-agar' and combined with choclate brownies. Will visit it again to try on other main course ...

待飞－－Dandelion 蒲公英

Dandelion, to me is a miracle plant. The flower matures into a dandelion clock and waiting for the right time to be carried away by the wind, and flown to the destination of wherever it wish. Looking at our life philosophies, I always believe we have to equip ourselves with knowledge, skills, to mature ourselves, and wait for the right time to 'fly'. I always asked myself, am I ready to be flown? Am I equipped with every skill that is needed. And this is what had bring me to have the interest to learn everything under the sun. I wish to know more about IT, that's why I have my unfinished master. I wish to know more about photography, and I'm yearning for a DSLR. I wish to discover the miracle of the underwater world, that's why I took up swimming as a first step. I wish to know in depth of the film industry, tv industry....but this had lead to another problem. Every area I had touch is just bits and pieces, and I never had a specialized area to specialize on. That's also the reason why I chose to stay longer in commercial industry, rather than venturing into another scope of area which may generate more stable income. I do not know whether I'm right to make this decision. I just hope that 'my wind' will come, maybe I should just give it some time to reach .....
What do I want for my life? Frankly, I'm having a vague idea, what's it.....How I wish I have someone to tell me.....

Yooo hoooooo....

Finally, after 28 years of 'playing' in the water, I finally can swim across the pool without any aids......And this happen only on my 2nd swimming lesson...Although at times, my hands and legs are not listening to my mind, I still manage to hold my breath and change my breath to reach till the pool side to grab hold of something. Besides, through today lesson, I learnt something, it's not anything new but had made me have a clearer view of a 'life' lesson.
While swimming across the pool in the water just now, at times, when my hands and legs are not listening and I am out of breath, I tends to sink. But with my goggles on, I can see clearly what's beneath me (an endless deep ground) which creates more fear. In that nick of time, i have to force myself to calm down and hold my breath just to float, to survive and start over again on the coordination to gain the force again to keep me going forward. This enforce my thinking on the philosophy of life, struggling in fear/ panic is no good to take you forward.
Calm down, Think then Act, then only you can keep yourself forward to the end......Only you can save yourself.....only I can save myself.......now i need to learn how to breath smoothly, so that I don't feel exhausted so easily.....good luck to me....

一苦二甜三回味

三道茶寓寄着“一苦二甜三回味”的人生哲理... excerpt from the articles of a fren's fren blog. Found it very true, maybe I should just wait as to my 'dilemma' before.....

Referal Program

Was trying out the above programme up there where it claims to be able to make money online. Doesn't know how true is it and doing a tryout. Anyone interested to join in, please click on the banner and sign up, it just take less than 5 minutes. I'll tell you if I did really get cash for that, or maybe you can try yourself too after signing up. Thanks....=)

"Choices" ( as quoted from Irene's)

Read a fren's blog on 'Choices' and make myself indulge in a no-result self reflection today. Life is really like a continuos crossroad where one had to choose where should one goes OR stand stagnant there. I kept asking myself, should I stand stagnant in the middle of the crossroad and gain more experience in order for me to make a better decision on which route to follow, OR should i pick a road and follow the route without looking back without regrets and just follow what the route leads to? A friend of mine asked why don't i just take up a permanent job in other industry rather than waiting for freelance productions to knock the door everytime. My answer to that is, unless I wanted to start picking up things all over from scratch again. After all these years of changes, I doubt to convince myself to choose that route. However, at times, I did asked myself again, should I just take up a stable career path with stable income, not having to worry about what's next, OR should I wait, immerse myself more in the industry to gain more experience, but the pain is to wait for jobs to knock after every job finished and wondering what's next, or rather will there be anymore next time? Hadn't been able to have my mind clear for the past 2 years, I feel the same as Irene, standing in the middle of the crossroad, stagnant, but having the feeling of everyone/ everything dashing pass you, urging you to make the right choice quick, or you'll be left out in the dessert in no where. Now, I can feel my mind as if it's making up of thousand of strings, crumpled in mess, you can't just cut the strings just like that to make them straight, and even to untie the knots, it will make them worse, just like the chinese sayings 剪不断，理还乱. Seems like I'd bad at carving my own career path, i'm lost....

Appreciation....??

Is it true that guys will only appreciate the other half when things already comes to the worst and there's not turning back? Recently knew that my ex pick up a hobby that I'd been loving only after we have get apart for a year. I still remember that during the days when we were together, he doesn't even mind to spare some of his time to have the hobby together but instead will rather stay at home. And now, he even took up classes just to excel in that hobby. Frankly, I do really feel a bit sad when i know about it, and once again, proved to me that, I had make that right decision....

News update from my son in Mongolia

a thank you note from my son's mom. My sponsor child can't read and write yet, so the mother wrote for him. Think I should get him a book so that the center there can teach him.

Another Shoot...

A one day shoot, with Indonesia clients. Things are unconfirmed until last minute with shitty agencies who cannot handle their clients. And left us with all the drama, even after the shoot. Argue over the design and color of a sofa whereby during the shoot, the framing can't even see the sofa at all...having attitude-problem wardrobe stylist in the job and even make me, the producer and the AD to search for the wardrobe on behalf of him coz he doesn't want to do his work.....gosh....what a day....
now keeping finger cross on not to reshoot the pack , i doesn't want to see them the 2nd time.....
**doesn't shot any photos this time....

I'm Photogenic???

A shock. Someone did actually says i'm photogenic? Gosh....I always hate seeing myself on a photo coz I can't smile good, and I feel I'm not photogenic at all as compare to lots of beautiful ppl around me.....this really make me wonders....everyone's eye on 'beauty' is really difference or my expectation is "farly" high? am i? or it's just a consolation....haaa

守财奴 (miser)

For the past one year, I feel myself like a miser, a poor miser....haven't been able to get full payment from the freelance jobs that I had done and the result is every month I can only spend on the first 50% that I had gotten just on paying my bills. No any extra to spend for others things......That's one of the reason why I had been always at home, hooking up on net. Coz I can't afford to step out of the house with the little money I have to spend. Hearing someone said, we must treat ourself better. I think I should, after 1 year of struggling. I decided to start chasing for my dream. I've decided to get the ball rolling by signing up on a swimming lesson. Hopefully that leads to my diving lesson in future, Once and only ONCE i've got enough money to pay for the lesson which cost almost RM 1400+. As for my SLR camera, there's still a long way to chase....boo hoo......every dreams cost.....gosh.....

net feelings...

ever had a crushed with someone by only exchanging feelings through the net? Have been wondering how can a couple start a relationship through a net? I have a fren who really does that and now is already with her partner overseas. They started off by only communicating through the net chat. I was always wondering when this happen to me, will I trust these feelings? How true are the feelings to someone when you only communicate through words type in front of u? Are you in love with the someone over there? or are u only in love with the words on your screen?

抉择

向左走，向右走，我在徘徊中寻找我的出口。
在这十字路的交叉口，我想问他们我该怎么走。
可他们都叫我一往无前，别在回首。
左，右都不是我的路吗？
我只能选择一条，尽管这地球是圆的，尽头却没完没了。
我想我该早做抉择，越早越好。
醉醒之后，却忘了这件事——我的出口
事隔许久许久，我因为一个朋友做了停留，我只知道那段时光很美好很快乐，当有一天他们问我“你决定往哪儿走了吗？”
我一时无语，看看我身边的朋友，才恍然想起我的任务
我的起跑点还在几步之遥，而我却忘了自己一直没有迈出第一步
我摇头，迟了，是迟了吗？

最近，常失眠。不知是否真的应该一往无前，绝不回首。。。

我想有个家

我想有个家
一个不需要华丽的地方
在我疲倦的时候
我会想到它
我想有个家
一个不需要多大的地方
在我受惊吓的时候
我才不会害怕

谁不会想要家
可是就有人没有它
脸上流著眼泪
只能自己轻轻擦
我好羡慕他
受伤后可以回家
而我只能孤单的
孤单的寻找我的家

虽然我不曾有温暖的家
但是我一样渐渐的长大
只要心中充满爱
就会被关怀
无法理怨谁
一切只能靠自己
虽然你有家什么也不缺
为何看不见你露出笑脸
永远都说没有爱
整天不回家
相同的年纪
不同的心灵
让我拥有一个家

"Dreams" shatter? back to square one....

I knew it, things is always not smooth for me, or should say has never been smooth.....deal is never a deal without B&W and I always knew that. Though that I've already forsee for the worst but still feel the pain for it....well....i'm still at the same point....not moving any forward...... hopefully this really brings me a bit of luck.....that's the only bit that I'm lack of.....a lucky gift from my best friend, mei.....

Another 26 hours shoot - Tumix

this shoot had really let me realize that i'm getting old. After being awake for 26 hours, I am extremely exhausted. Though I'm in the middle of a 2.5 million bungalow shooting for this food commercial, I can't enjoy it. Furthermore, it's on Valentines day. Though, there's no other half for me, but i pity those crews with gf/bf or wife who had to go thru Valentines day without their other half, furthermore a 26 hours working non-stop. The food shots took up a lot of time to get the right position for the powder to pour out. And I was even forced to be the hand talent - of course without paid. *sigh*

Finally an unexpected offer!!

Congrats myself! I finally land myself on a so-called permanent job after all these years.....got the offer 2 days before CNY and it's indeed an unexpected offer. Will only be the one in the office (which is at home..hehe) and without boss and subordinate.....hopefully things goes well and keep my finger cross....

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I've got son!!

Sponsored a kid from Mongolia thru World Vision A 5 yrs old boy named Bukunai, Erbol from Nalaikh, Mongolia. Just RM 50 per month and it's hopefully to make his life better. Really hope that i'm able to visit him one day.....

Memories lane...

Have a long chat with one of the producers about her childhood memories. It's terrific that she can even remember things that happened since she start crawling....Listening to her stories on her childhood with nannies (ma cheh), to how she's being bullied by boys, how's she had to learn doing housework due to older generation thinking of girls have to do all these stuff etc. On my way driving home, I kept thinking it's actually so fun to have that kind of memories to cherish, even though there's ups and down. As compare to her, my memories only start during my school time in primary school. Anything beyond that, I totally cannot recall. Even the memories during school times is merely only with my school mates, about how hard we need to study until 5 pm everyday and nothing as interesting as what she have with that kind of rural experience and fun. Hence, I always tell my frens that I do not have much sweet childhood memories to nibbles. I wish that my next generation will be able to have the chance to really enjoy the process of their childhood and leave some foot prints in their heart. How I wish I have a time machine to back track my life and change everything......

kids kids!!

just finish a shoot for CNY with bunch of kids around.....it's so tiring to work with kids listening to their 'noise' the whole day and yet you can't shout at them coz they are your talents. What if they won't act after you do that, and you will be blame for the rest of the day becoz of your stupid act to make the production a failure. Two days of shoot are all outdoor and I got over burnt as a result of not applying sun block.....hehee.......well...at least i got a 1k increment this time.

See Higher.....

A very appropriate photo to illustrate the idea "Don't be upset over gloomy days, seek higher and further and you'll find the sun"

It's a beginning or an end?

New Year 2007! Everything should be new, hope and resolutions should be in everyone, but why? It's not with me at all. Had been feeling very down yesterday night after digging out my old old dear diary from the book shelves and run through all the diaries that I had written all these years. Lokking from when I started going out with a guy during Uni days, when i am having down days with him, when I got my first job, and when i having trouble with my families and the diaries stop during 2003. Since then, havent been putting a word in there but just keep all the low time to myself. Looking back, I did not move forward much, goal is still so vague and i m still not happy or never been happy all these years....I have no idea what will make me happy and even tried to think deeply how should I make myself happy, but I never been able to find a solution till now. Maybe I am like what all said, 
bu gan ji mo'. When there's no one at my side accompanying me, I'm lost or rather starting to feel down by thinking all the unhappy past. I think I should start telling myself to be more independent, to stand on my own whatever it is.

Another Year older!!

Happy New Year!! It's another year older for me without any resolutions ......think my resolutions is to find a resolutions for the year.....HAHA.....